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Joined: 07/07/2009 20:09:49
Messages: 292
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did you hear about the 2 TV antennae that got married ?

the wedding was terrible but the reception was excellent .




Joined: 07/07/2009 20:09:49
Messages: 292
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A boy is working in the vegetable section of a grocery store when a man walks up and asks for a half a head of lettuce.

The boy says "I'm sorry, but we only sell full heads of lettuce."

The man says "I insist! If I can't have a half a head of lettuce, I want to speak to a manager!"


The boy walks into the back where the manager is unloading food and says "Some a**hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce..."

Just then the boy catches a glimpse of the man following him into the back and says "...and this man here wants to buy the other half."


The manager takes care of the situation and later pulls the boy aside and says "I really liked the way you handled that situation earlier. It took some quick wit to cover yourself. We in management like employee's like you. Where did you learn that?"

The boy says "I don't know, maybe it was where I was raised."

The manager says "Where are you from?"

"Canada, sir"

"What brings you down here?" the manager asks.

The boy replies "well I got tired of the people there -- there's only hookers and hockey players in Canada."

The manager says "my wife is from Canada."

The boy says "really?? What team does she play for?"



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Joined: 01/24/2012 13:19:08
Messages: 49
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The Long Line

An Englishman waiting to tee-off sees a funeral procession going by. It was a strange looking affair, the casket and the pall bearers were led by a man who had a dog by a leash and the rest of the people were walking in a straight line behind the casket. Unable to resist his curiosity, he goes up to the man with the dog and asks " Excuse me for troubling you on such a sad occasion. but I have never seen such a string funeral. the dog and all the people walking in a straight line???"

The man with the dog answers "This is my wife's funeral."

"But why the dog?" asks the Englishman.

"She died because this dog here bit her," said the man with the dog.

"Very sorry to hear that. Would you mind if I borrow the dog for a while?"

"Sure" says the man with the dog, "get to the back of the line."





Joined: 07/07/2009 20:09:49
Messages: 292
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There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees
always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to
meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love
to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed
right handed and won the round.

Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there,
but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs
left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few
weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and
then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask
him what the deal was. They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you
may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with
either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with
that?”

George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every
Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on
her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right
side, I golf right handed.”

”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is
laying on her back?” George replies, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”




Joined: 08/31/2011 16:33:13
Messages: 159
Location: geo:lat=51.94743927168324 geo:lon=-5.1821136474609375
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My dyslexia cost me my job in IT. It turns out my boss said "Open my files"



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Joined: 01/24/2012 13:19:08
Messages: 49
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"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six, and write down five." -- Paul Harvey




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Joined: 05/26/2012 12:09:39
Messages: 69
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Yep.

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 05/26/2012 10:26:40


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Joined: 05/26/2012 12:09:39
Messages: 69
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Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.

When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.

So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.

Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say" There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother.

"Well darling," she said, " just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning."

Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful people coming to dinner tonight"

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Joined: 10/16/2009 18:30:00
Messages: 3141
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Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

AMD X4965 3.4ghz 8gig memory
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Joined: 10/29/2010 20:08:50
Messages: 149
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A Pastor entered his donkey in a local race and
it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the next day race again and it won again.

The local paper's Headline:
PASTOR'S * OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this publicity
that he ordered the Pastor not to race the donkey.

The next day Headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR’S *.

An upset Bishop ordered the Pastor
to get rid of the donkey.

So the Pastor gave the donkey to a Nun at a
nearby convent.

The next day local paper headline:
NUN HAS BEST * IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun to
get rid of the donkey, she
sold it to a farmer for £10.

The next day's headline:
NUN SELLS
* FOR £10.

The donkey had to go, so the Bishop
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey
and release it so it could join the wild burros.

The next day the headline read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER * IS WILD AND FREE..
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . .
Stop worrying about everyone else's * and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!



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Joined: 02/01/2010 20:00:08
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Joined: 10/16/2009 18:30:00
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A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell.

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.

Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.

She thanked him and started to leave, when he said,

"I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."

She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my behind, not my head!"

This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 07/18/2012 17:23:01


AMD X4965 3.4ghz 8gig memory
GTX 660 Ti 2gb Windows 7 Ultimate 64-bit
Google Chrome AT&T high speed DSL

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Joined: 06/30/2012 07:17:55
Messages: 310
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Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.


Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said you just can't let it go can you?


I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”


I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again


Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes (this year's Lafta winner)


So I said to a Scottsman 'did you have? terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'


Do you ever get that when you're half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, 'I'm not as hungry as I thought I was'

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Joined: 11/07/2010 16:50:26
Messages: 135
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Win7 Ultimate 64bit edition
3.5Ghz Quad Core 970
Sapphire Radeon HD 7770 1GB DDR5
8GB ram
24" Widescreen



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Joined: 06/30/2012 07:17:55
Messages: 310
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and *. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.


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